I soon came to realise not only did I love to read but I had a lot to say on paper myself. Thoughts and ideas were always churning through my mind. My family all smiled when they looked at me before saying “You are always away in a dream world Arlene.” And they were right.. No matter where or what I was doing there was always thoughts and ideas running through my head. Up in my bedroom I had writing pads covered in various notes, poems, short stories and drawings. Every time I had an idea for a story I would draw the character/scene out too. All the while promising myself that one day I would write something so amazing and inspiring that everyone would want to read it again and again.

Here I am 22 years later…single mum to three children and working as a nanny. Not quite how my 14 year old mind had envisaged my life to be. But at least one thing hasn’t changed over the years and that is my passion for words. I still read and write on a daily basis, even if only a short poem or story. I ‘still’ have words and ideas that are always manifesting in my head and I am always taking notes..…sometimes even in the middle of the night!

Currently I am part way through writing a book I started 5 years ago and after getting positive feedback about it I began to lose momentum and the drive to complete it. It’s almost like all I needed was verification my writing is credible, that was all that seemed to matter to me. Oh sure, it would be amazing to one day have my book published and people to say how much they enjoyed reading it. But ultimately all I really want is for my writing to stimulate emotion in others. When I write anything (even if it’s just an email or a letter) I always do it from the heart and express my feelings and emotions in the words. When people read things I have written I want them to smile or laugh, feel the pain or the sadness…but most of all relate to what I have written.

While searching for inspiration a few weeks ago it occurred to me the one thing I have always wanted to do is get some sort of noted qualification in writing. I woke up a week ago and thought “What the hell are you waiting for Arlene? Do it today!” So I did. And now here I am writing my first activity for my creative writing course and it feels GREAT!

I am supposed to be saying why I want to be a writer and what made me decide to do this particular course but I feel that is something I ‘can’t’ put into words. How I feel about writing is something that is felt from within and can’t be expressed in words very easily. All I know is I am alive inside when I write. And as for my reason for doing this course… let’s just say I feel like I am finally on the right path. This isn’t just a diploma course, it’s my new course in life and I plan on following it all the way.

A Night on the Town

The weekend was finally here and Leon was getting ready to meet up with a few of his mates. It had been a tough week and he was really looking forward to a good old fashioned lad’s night out. There were seven of them going out and as much as he was excited at the thought of a few pints he wished it was only four of them going. Three of them were close friends from college and another 3 idiots that annoyed him…but he would try and get along with them for one night. Just at that there was a car horn sound from outside. He looked out the rear window only to see his taxi had arrived.

From the backseat of the taxi he sat staring up at the city lights and wondered if tonight was going to be as much fun as he hoped. The guys he was drinking with were notorious for being party animals but also for being troublemakers. Leon hated getting into fights and wanted to avoid them at all cost. They were all meeting at a pub called the Beaver which was not very aptly named he thought as he hadn’t pulled once in the place the entire two years he had been drinking there. The drink was cheap though and the music was good so it was the ideal place to kick off their night out.

The taxi driver was a grumpy man and all he seemed to want to do was grunt and drive. Suddenly he spoke, “Oi oi..looks like a bit of trouble going on outside that pub you’re going to” he said before checking in his mirror to wait for a reaction. Leon looked out to see two different groups of football supporters all pushing and shoving each other. Was this the omen to warn him that his night out was going to turn out badly? He wasn’t even out the taxi yet and already he was faced with 12 angry men!!

As Leon pushed his way through the rowdy football supporters all he could think was ‘bet there will be a few broken jaws tonight’. The doors of the pub opened as the sound of U2’s Vertigo blasted out. Over by the bar he spotted the usual suspects harassing the new barmaid, some American beauty that had only just started working there last month. He didn’t know her name but simply referred to her as the girl with the dragon tattoo. Whenever she reached up or bent down behind the bar he always caught a glimpse of a dragon right at the bottom of her back. For some reason he wanted to ask her what it was about but he never had the courage to go talk to her. Maybe tonight he would.

It was Leon’s round and as he got closer to the bar he noticed the tattooed barmaid smile at him. This was his opportunity to talk to her. After he ordered the drinks he waited for her to come and tell him how much he owed. “Hi there, I am sorry to be nosey but I like your tattoo and I was wondering if it was a symbol for anything in particular?” The girl smiled again “No, sorry to be boring but I just loved the design. But thanks for saying you liked it.” As she went to walk away to serve someone else Leon blurted out “I’m Leon by the way, what’s your name?” The girl looked back and shouted over the noise of the music, “Rebecca”

The night was going great. Plenty of laughs and the pints were flowing….plus he was getting lots of smiles from Rebecca. So far so good he thought to himself. Over at the bar he caught sight of a man standing talking to Rebecca. It looked like they were arguing but he wasn’t sure so decided to go over to listen. As he got closer he noticed the man pulling her back every time she tried to walk away from him. When she finally got back behind the bar Leon asked “Are you okay? Is that guy bothering you?” She shook her head as if she didn’t want to reply at first but then said “He’s my ex-boyfriend; we used to work together at the casino till he got us both fired. They accused us of stealing but he was the hustler not me. Now he has no money to keep his gambling habit so he comes to hassle ‘me’ for cash. I just want him to leave me alone.” Leon thought for a moment then said “Do you want me to have a word with him?” but Rebecca shook her head, “No, I don’t want anyone else getting involved…he’s not one to be messed with and you’d only end up in hospital. Thanks anyway.”

Last orders were called and Leon and his friends were about to move on to the night club just down the road. He decided to ask Rebecca to join them. His mates urged him not to as they said they wanted to enjoy the night club without it turning into a fight club but Leon insisted. “Do you want to come on to another bar with us once you’re finished here?” he asked as she was rinsing out glasses behind the bar. Rebecca looked at him like he was an alien, “No sorry…I can’t” He was feeling a bit confused but wondered if it was the alcohol kicking in. Was it him or did she just seem standoffish? “No worries just thought I’d ask anyway. See you around I guess” Rebecca didn’t even respond she just smiled and carried on with cleaning up behind the bar.

The night club was packed and Leon was starting to feel like a big fish in a small pond. The heat was getting to him not to mention the numerous pints he had consumed. He also couldn’t help but think about the barmaid from the pub, why had she gone so weird with him? His friend could see he was a bit thoughtful and put a hand on his shoulder before saying “Look she is a nice looking girl but she seems troublesome…not exactly the type you would bring home to meet the parents.” This angered Leon. He pushed past his friend with a face like a raging bull and made his way outside…he needed some air.

Outside it was chilly but Leon needed to clear his head. In the distance he noticed a man running towards him who was obviously in a hurry. As the running man got closer he tripped over and as he was falling down Leon recognised him as the guy who was arguing with Rebecca at the other bar. Stumbling to his feet he started running again before Leon could even say a word to him. Why was he in such a hurry? Maybe he decided to snatch a purse to feed his gambling habit Leon thought to himself.

An hour later and Leon and his friends were heading to the local kebab shop to soak up all the beers. As they walked down the street they could hear the hustle and bustle of various sirens going off….not unusual for a Friday night in their neighbourhood. They turned a corner only to be faced with 2 police cars and an ambulance. Leon stopped to ask a girl who was standing eating chips and curry watching everything that was going on if she knew what happened. The girl who looked a bit freaked out but continued eating anyway replied “They have found a girl up the alley way over there that has been badly beaten. It was my friend who found her. No idea who she is but all we know is she has a dragon tattoo on her back”

This is for the people who bring joy to my life
The friends who have stuck with me through trouble and strife
I don’t tell them enough how important they are
From the ones who live close to the others a far

Each one of them makes me smile every day
Showing their friendship in all different ways
Always there if I need a good moan
I’m extremely grateful for the kindness they’ve shown

Some of my friends I’ve known forever
A bond between us that no one could sever
They are like sisters to me and always will be
Regardless of how much of each other we see

There are friendships more recent that I value no less
I can’t imagine my life without them; I’d just be a mess
We may not have known each other for that long a time
But they are all great friends who belong in this rhyme

I cherish them all for various reasons
With each passing month, year and season
Hopefully this poem is one way to show
That I appreciate them all more than they know

xxx

For starters I have been single now for 2 years (and that means COMPLETELY..not even a one-night stand etc) and for some reason I seem to be the only person who isn’t bothered by this in the slightest. I’m constantly getting told I need to find a man or go out and get IT over and done with …”It’s like riding a bike Arlene”.

Generally, I laugh it off and take the constant jibes about joining convents and being “frigid” with a pinch of salt. What annoys me more than anything though is people who look for reasons ‘why’ I am not interested in going out and sleeping with some random guy I meet in a bar. Some female friends automatically suspect it’s because I am already seeing someone…a secret lover. “You MUST be seeing someone you’re not telling us about. Who is he?” And as for men they ask “Where’s your man tonight?” and I reply “I don’t have one” then to stop them thinking I have just given them the green light to move in for the kill I follow up with “..and I am not looking for one either!” This usually gets one of two responses “Are you a carpet muncher then?” or “There must be someone you have your eye on surely?”

NO I AM NOT AND NO I DON’T!!!

This might make me weird, but I am perfectly happy on my own in a man-free zone. I have been in and out of long-term relationships since I was 16. I’ve tried the odd fling in-between…long distance relationships etc. Been married twice…both of which went horribly wrong and left me devastated. Ultimately when ever I let a man get too close I end up hurt so I am in NO RUSH to run out and find another one. I am happier on my own now than I have been in a long-time. It doesn’t mean I plan on staying celibate for life it just means I am not willing to be peer-pressured into finding a man when I don’t want one right now.

Guys get high fives and pats on the back from their mates for being single…women get “You’ll be closed over again downstairs if you don’t hurry up and get yourself a man soon” (I have SERIOUSLY had that said to me!)

I am treating this time in my life like tantric sex…the longer I go without “real sex” and just keep using the power of my mind the better the orgasm will be when it does happen. There IS method to my madness you see!

My reason for referring back to my first initial blog is because I feel so much has changed in my life since I wrote it. I am no longer spending 16 hours out of 24 on Twitter for a start. (Yes, at one stage I was on it THAT much!) I would go on to reply to one or two tweets and before I knew it I was involved in a conversation for the entire day! My eyes would be stinging by 10pm at night due to staring at my phone screen so much.

Lately, I haven’t been on Twitter and in all honesty I don’t miss it. Sometimes I feel the urge to go on and have a read then I see I have lots of tweets that I’ve not replied to and I end up feeling guilty and coming off again. I get messages from people all the time asking the same questions “Is everything okay? Have you left Twitter for good?” And I give the same reply to each of them “No, I just decided to take a break and spend some time in the real world for a while”

My sister put things into perspective for me about 6 weeks ago. She is a college lecturer specialising in Advertising/PR and Marketing. A couple of months ago she attended this seminar on social networking and the positives and negatives to it. This man stood up to tell his story and openly spoke of how Twitter had ruined his life. He was once a highly successful businessman with a wife and 2 lovely kids to be proud of. After being on twitter for 3 years he was now on benefits, his wife had left him and he hardly ever got to see his kids anymore. Twitter had become his life and he spoke honestly of the buzz he got out of reaching over 4000 followers.

Okay, personally if I had been at that seminar I would have made the point that he can’t blame Twitter for his downfall…he only has himself to blame for allowing a social networking site to consume him. But at the same time I know more than anyone how easy it is to become addicted to Twitter and all it stands for. There “is” a certain excitement about saying something and waiting to see who replies. No one can deny it’s a great feeling when people like what you have to say or enjoy interacting with you. I can see why that guy found it all too easy to lose sight of what was important to him.

After my sister told me that story it made me realise that it was time to stop wasting so much precious time talking to people I didn’t even know and start focusing on my family’s future. Since I stopped tweeting I have managed to get a new job, get my social life back, spend more time doing fun things with my kids and do more of what makes me happier than anything else…writing.

If I was still on twitter as much I used to be none of that would ever have been possible.

I will of course still have the odd tweet marathon when the mood takes me. Twitter will always be there if I decide to go on now and then, just not spending every waking hour on it like I was.

Facebook has become my only means of online networking these days. It has the perfect balance of my closest friends, my family and some great people who I met or got close to via Twitter. It’s comforting to know that all the people from Twitter I care about are still connected with me in some way. I’m happier without the pressure to reply that you have on Twitter and know if I feel like talking I can and if I don’t I won’t.

Twitter will always hold a special place in my heart for various reasons, but right now I just want to focus on my own life as opposed to 1000 other peoples.

At least for now…

1. Hot Flashes…

It was a hot summer’s day and we were heading to a big family and friend’s BBQ at my sister’s house. After careful deliberation I decided to wear a skirt (something I never do) as it was such a hot day. The BBQ was going great and there were about 20 of us out on the patio drinking and enjoying the sun. I stood up to go get another beer and asked everyone if they wanted a top-up. My nephew Jonathan (being the little scamp he is) crept up behind me and with one quick movement pulled my skirt round my ankles!! My hands were filled with bottles and glasses so I literally screamed. My sister came to my rescue and pulled it back up but the humiliation had already taken place. My face was scarlet with embarrassment and all I could say was “sorry”. Everyone was laughing out loud then to make me feel better they started saying “Don’t worry Arlene…you looked well!” That didn’t relieve my shame AT all…but at least they tried. I have never worn a skirt to a family BBQ since…

2. Pub Pandemonium…

In Donegal I was single-handedly responsible for trashing a pub in less than 2 minutes! (Pretty sure that’s some sort of world record) We were in this little pub in Lettermacaward after a day at the beach. The pub was filled with old men sitting drinking and two young guys were playing a fiddle and an accordion. There was plenty of toe tapping going on and not sure what possessed me but as I went to go up to the bar for another round I ended up “jigging” my way there. It was a kind of skipping maneuver but it must have been impressive because all the wee old men jumped up and shouted “Wey heyyyyyy” In their enthusiasm they knocked over all the tables and all the drinks smashed. It was like a domino effect. That was only our second day there and I was amazed the guy that owned the bar didn’t ban me. Quite the opposite in fact…he asked me back the next night for a repeat performance.

3. Who Are You?

I am hoping everyone has made this mistake at some point (okay, maybe not….but it makes me feel better to believe that). While out walking in the pouring rain one morning (still half asleep and soaked through) I spotted my sister’s car sitting at a set of traffic lights up ahead. My immediate reaction was to run up to the car and swing the door open and jump in to escape the rain. My sister drives a bright blue BMW coupe and there isn’t many of them around where I live (I’m telling you that so you’ll not think I am too stupid when I tell you what happened next). After jumping in the car I pulled my hood down and found myself face to face with this strange man. His mouth fell open, mine fell open and then I said “Who are you?” to which he replied “No, who are you?!! This is my car!!” The traffic had started moving and everyone was beeping their horn. I said how sorry I was but I thought it was my sister’s car. Luckily the man seen the funny side to it and said he thought at first I was some kind of carjacker! My face goes red even now thinking back to that morning…..

4. I Don’t Mean To Alarm You…

This has got to be one of the most embarrassing moments EVER!! It is also a good lesson to anyone who has kids and uses a baby alarm. My first daughter was only 1 at the time and her Dad and I had gone home to visit my parents for the weekend. They kindly offered to baby-sit to let us out for a few drinks so we jumped at the chance. When we got home (feeling rather tipsy…and ever so slightly frisky) my parents had their friends round and so we thanked them for baby-sitting and decided to make our excuses and go to bed. One thing led to another and of course the obvious happened when we got in to our bedroom. After 5 minutes there was a crackling sound coming from somewhere and we didn’t even stop to contemplate what it might be. Then it hit me!! The baby alarm was still on…..nooooooooooooo. I jumped out of bed to switch it off but the damage was already done. Needless to say the next morning I could barely look my parent’s in the eyes. Even worse their friends were there for coffee too…..god knows what they must have thought! *cringe*

5. Making A Tit of Myself…

When I was 17 I was a defense witness in a court case involving my friends. The day of the court case arrived and my two friends and I were getting a lift to the court which was a couple of hours drive from where we lived. Out of boredom one of them said “I dare you to flash your boobs at the car behind us Arlene” Not being one to shy away from a dare I agreed and quickly pulled my top up flashing the car behind us. There was much hilarity about this till we discovered that the car behind us wasn’t turning off….it seemed to be going ‘exactly’ the same direction as us. As it turned out he ‘was’ going the exact same place us…..to the court. He was the prosecuting lawyer!!! And yes, it was a bit awkward when it was my turn to take the stand and be questioned. All I could think was… “This man saw my boobs less than an hour ago”. My friends got off and as we left the court to drive home the prosecutor smiled at me and said “I might wait 10 minutes to give you a head start….”

6. Demented Dance-off

It was my nephew’s graduation and we had all gone out for a family dinner to celebrate. After some tasty grub we decided to go to a pub called The Park Bar. It’s a traditional pub and always has a great atmosphere and a band playing. My brother-in-law and I have a reputation for having an old school dance-off now and then, but we usually keep it contained to house parties to avoid too much humiliation. Not even sure why or how we ended up challenging each other to a dance-off this night but the outcome was hilarious. I saw this woman with a black tie thing round her top and I asked her to borrow it. I tied it round my head Rambo style before walking into the middle of the pub and signaling to my bro-in-law “come on then”. After he stopped laughing he eventually made it to where I was standing and the dance-off began. The floor cleared (the pub was packed so still don’t know how we managed it) and the band started playing. All I can remember is everyone was clapping and some people were laughing so much they were spilling their drinks everywhere. If you have ever seen American Pie – The Wedding dance-off scene with Stiffler picture that only worse!! We were pulling off such crazy dance maneuvers that the lead singer of the band could hardly sing for laughing. I am sure the video must be on Youtube somewhere but I never want to see it! Haha My nephew said it was the best graduation gift ever.

7. Drunken Departures…

On one of my many visits to Dublin I made a really embarrassing entrance onto a flight home to Glasgow. My friends and I had missed our flight home (this was a regular occurrence) and we were told they could get us on one in 4 hours time. We paid for the new flights then did what anyone would do in that situation…we went to the bar of course. Obviously after an hour or so of drinking pints and chatting to numerous people we were all starting to feel a bit worse for wear. We ended up having a great time and before realizing it our flight was due. What we ‘didn’t’ realize was our flight had been repeatedly called and we hadn’t even noticed!! I was feeling really queasy and the hangover mixed with the numerous pints had started to take its toll so I said to the girls to run on and hold the flight and I would go to the loo. In the toilet I was burning up and felt dizzy and sick so I locked myself in a cubicle pulled my top off and pressed my face against the cold wall to try and cool down and stop the room from spinning. I knew I wouldn’t get on the plane if I was too drunk. Suddenly this voice came on the tannoy saying my name and could I please make my way to the aircraft because the flight was ready for take-off! Grabbing my top I pulled it on and started my mad dash to departures. When I got there the lounge was empty and this guy told me the flight had already boarded and was ready to leave. He radioed through and told them I was on my way and so they waited. Getting on the plane was awkward enough as everyone looked so annoyed when I eventually got on the flight. Apparently I had held it up by 15 minutes. But to make matters worse when I sat down beside my friends they were in stitches laughing at me. In my haste to get out the toilet I had pulled my top on back to front and inside out. I had a big white label at the front. Yip, once again my train had stopped at humiliation station. Needless to say I make a point of not drinking too much before a flight now.

8. Pillow Fight Plunder

My first ever flat I shared with my friend Margaret was the ultimate party-pad. Every night of the week we had a party (no joke) and we used to still make it out the door to work and college every morning (still don’t know how we managed). It was epic fun though and even now we all still talk about the year we lived there. It purely became referred to as “the flat”. When people met each other in the pub they would simply say to each other “Are you going to the flat tonight?” Our flat became legendary for its crazy moments. Water fights, vodka jelly wrestling (oh yeah that was some night) but this one night will always stick in my mind as the funniest and craziest we had. I was leaving to travel round France for a few months and so everyone had turned out in their droves to see me before I left. After hours of boozing Madness greatest hits got put on the stereo and the lights were all switched off. Our reason for this was because we had huge pillows all over the floor for people to sit/lie on and we had decided to have a big pillow fight in the dark with Madness blasting out. In theory it was great fun, but when someone smacked you with a huge pillow it knocked you flying!! (Especially us girls…one hit from the lads and we were floored) Not one to take things lying down I started fighting back and swinging my large pillow like a maniac in the dark trying to hit someone. I did hit someone alright and there was a loud bang, then a crunching sound followed by an “ouch”. Apparently I don’t know my own strength as I had hit Gordie so hard with my pillow it had knocked him backwards over a chair and he put his elbow straight through the wall. When we switched on the lights there was a big hole!! Of course we all found it hilarious….but our parent’s not so much as they had to pick up the bill from the landlord. Ooops! Everyone always jokes now about not wanting to take me on in a pillow fight. I am officially a pillow fightin’ powerhouse! 

9. Dog Dilemma…

Again, this happened in the same flat. I wanted to share this story because it was one of my fondest, saddest and stupidest moments all rolled into one. My sister and my friend Margaret’s parents were guarantors for our flat. Being only 18 in a 2 bedroomed luxury flat the landlord wanted some assurance we would behave and stick to the rules. And mostly we did…..apart from one rule that I decided to break with dire consequences. It all started when my friend Graham was going to a cat and dog home to look for a dog, he asked if I wanted to go with him. I agreed and we both set off. It was horrendous!! Dogs were whimpering and barking for attention. Some were too afraid to even look at you and sat cowering in a corner shaking. I just kept crying! Told Graham I wanted to leave. Just as we went to leave there was this small boxer puppy sitting and wagging its tail so well behaved and quiet. I bent down and put my fingers through holes in the fence and rubbed his ears. I was totally smitten! One problem though, in my flat the biggest rule was NO PETS of any kind. (But especially dogs) When we left I felt all sad and kept looking back at him. The next morning I heard the buzzer and answered the intercom, it was Graham and all he said was “I have someone here you’ll be pleased to see.* When I opened the door Sammy came bounding in and jumped straight into my arms. Graham had went and bought him for me as a surprise and I was delighted! Trouble was I also knew that having him was breaking our rental contract, but at that moment I didn’t care. We were reunited! A few weeks past and Sammy and I became best friends, everyone loved him. So far Margaret and I had managed to keep him hidden from our families and when ever we thought they would visit we would make our excuses to visit them instead. Until this one day my sister (the guarantor) decided to drop by unexpectedly. The buzzer went and I heard my sister’s voice. I went into panic mode and told her to hold on because the button entry system was down. Margaret and I ran about getting all Sammy’s toys picked up and hiding dog bowls etc then we put him into my bedroom and closed the door. When we finally let my sister in all seemed fine and we ushered her into the kitchen. Problem was Sammy was used to being the one who greeted people and loved nothing more than jumping all over any visitors. He knew there was someone else in the flat and he was bewildered why he was shut away. And so the madness began. Every time he whimpered Margaret or I would say something or do something loudly to cover it up. You name it we did it, a burst of loud laughter, a cough, banging our coffee cups about in the cupboard, slamming doors. Margaret even burst into song! Meanwhile Sammy was getting louder and it was becoming increasingly difficult to cover up the whining. My sister said at one stage “What’s that noise…sounds like a baby whimpering?” Margaret and I nervously laughed and said “As if we’d have a baby here!” followed by more nervous laughter. Eventually Sammy got wise that his whimpers had no effect and went into full on howling. The game was up! My sister stormed through and opened the bedroom door to be pounced on by an over-sized over-excited boxer pup. And even worse he had trashed my bedroom with frustration at being locked in a room. My sister was furious and demanded I take him back to the cat and dog home or she was removing her name from the rental agreement. The day we took Sammy back tore my heart out and I still remember it like it was yesterday. Graham, Margaret and I went together to drop him off at the cat and dog home again. I looked back and he was pulling on the lead they were holding and trying to claw his way through the glass doors to follow us. I could hear his loud crying and whimpering all the way back to the car. Just remember throwing up and literally sobbing for the rest of the day. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. On a brighter note one of my other friends went and got him for his family so there was a happy ending for Sammy after all. Even better I still got to visit him on occasions too. 

10. To Pee or Not To Pee…

When I was in Dublin 11 years ago with my friends I ended up in one of the craziest situations ever. After coming out a nightclub we lost each other and I ended up on my own and chatting to 2 guys outside a chip shop. I was bursting for the loo and asked them if they knew where the nearest public toilet was. They told me if I waited till their teammates (they were a local football team on a night out) came out the chip shop they’d take me to a portaloo. So here I was being escorted by 9 football players to a portaloo down beside the river. It was a weird situation but I was busting for a wee so was happy to go. We reached our destination and the door was locked. It turned out a local well known junkie named Mary was in there doing heroin. A couple of the guys started banging the door and demanding she came out to let me in. Mary sounded less than pleased as a mouthful of expletives was her reply. Of course I started to worry slightly…this Mary sounded like she was going to kill someone (namely…ME). The urge to pee wasn’t such a big deal all of a sudden. I said “Listen, no problem, I’ll get a taxi…I can hold it in. Honestly!” then I started saying through the door “No worries Mary…take your time!” But the guys kept shouting and swearing at her continuously banging the door. Suddenly the door lock clicked and this wee 5tt brunette in a denim jacket appeared. The next thing I knew she was punching and kicking all the guys in quick succession as they tried to fight her off. Some sort of crazy dance music like The Prodigy would have been a good soundtrack to the situation. I thought I was next but thankfully she just walked away. When I looked in the portaloo I was meant to use my first reaction was.. “No way in hell am I sitting on that!!!” They ended up walking me home and I did manage to get a pee on the way. I went up this cobbled alley way and they all covered me. There was a slight incline and my pee rolled down the hill. Luckily it had been raining but one of them asked “which puddle is yours?” and I replied “the one with steam coming off it”. Needless to say I felt like I had to reward their generosity (especially after a crazy junkie beating them up) so they came back to our apartment for a party. Funnily enough we missed our flight home the next day.

So there you have it…I really am a crazy situation magnet. (Even though I’m am generally the cause of the craziness) If something daft or ludicrous is going to happen you can rest assured I will be involved somewhere. Weirdly my friends don’t mind it; in fact they find it hilarious. I am even starting to think they ACTUALLY hope that something stupid ‘does’ happen to me so it means they look better!

Conan crushed his enemies with a swing of his sword
Saving a princess while seeking revenge on a warlord
He was a time traveling cyborg sent to kill Sarah Connor
If it wasn’t for Kyle Reese she’d have been a goner
Walking into a bar and starting a brawl
Saying “I’ll be back” before smashing a wall
As Kalidor he fought alongside a flame-haired beauty
To protect her and the talisman was his duty
John Matrix thought that he had retired
His special agent skills no longer required
Until they steal his daughter Jenny away
He kills them all in his own unique way
In the jungle is where this story took place
Dutch’s men disappearing without a trace
An alien predator was the assassin
He blew himself up after some heinous laughin’
As the running man he made his mark
Ben Richards left Dynamo in the dark
Buzzsaw met his chainsaw fate
While Sub-zero had his final skate
Ivan Danko is the new Russian cop in town
He’s come to America to bring a drug-dealer down
Julius Benedict searches for his long lost twin brother
They turn out to be the complete opposite of each other
One is tall and perfectly groomed
The other is short and most certainly doomed
Douglas Quaid signed up for Rekall Inc
They jogged his memory and made him think
He remembered he was part of the rebel force
So he shot his fake wife for a quick divorce
John Kimble must find his softer side
Teaching a bunch of kids he can’t abide
It turns out to be his toughest role yet
But he gets some help from his weasel like pet
He is a cyborg again but of the protective kind
Saving John Connor is on his mind
A more deadly assassin is on their trail
Whatever happens he cannot fail
In Last Action Hero he played himself in the part
Things got confusing right from the start
With the help of a boy who’s his number 1 fan
They save Arnie from being killed by an evil man
He was a secret agent behind his wife’s back
Excitement and thrills is what they did lack
Harry Tasker used his job to let her see
How exciting life could really be
As Doctor Hesse he got impregnated
Some say this film is overrated
Being a true fan I have to agree
Arnie knocked-up was a bit strange to see
John Kruger was his name, a top U.S Marshall
James Caan was one also but to corruption he was partial
Kruger erased all those who were dealing in weapons
Then killed his old friend for his lies and deception
He was trying to purchase a Turbo Man for his son
It was Christmas Eve and he couldn’t find one
With hilarious consequences along the way
Eventually he finds one and saves the day
His wife in a coma he lashed out in frustration
Teaming up with Ivy to seek world domination
Mister Freeze became Batman’s arch rival
Even though he held the key to Albert’s survival
Protecting the girl was his ultimate goal
Trying to stop Satan from stealing her soul
Jericho Cane had his own demons to fight
But he must save the world from a deathly plight
After losing his family when terrorists struck
Gordon Brewer abandoned his firefighter truck
The mastermind behind it became his prey
Time to seek him out and make him pay
That was a list of some of Arnie’s best moments
All very different but with one great component
From sc—fi to horror or laugh till you’re weak
He can play any role and make it unique
I hope Arnie continues to make movie magic
If he retires too soon it would be so tragic
My reason for writing this poem you see
Is to let you all know he’s a hero to me

So I thought to myself what funny things could I write about? Then it occurred to me that *I* was the perfect comedy material I’ve been searching for. My entire life I have always found myself caught in these awkward moments where I either said the wrong thing or did something so stupid that even I had to laugh. I don’t consider myself to be a stupid person but I certainly have my idiotic moments. My family and friends love nothing more than reminiscing about some of my hilarious faux-pas over the years. (Of which there are many…too many to mention in fact) But here is my top 10 comedy highlights from my childhood that even now still make me cringe or blush.

(I haven’t even started telling you about my adult faux-pas yet, think that’ll be a different blog post entirely)

1. When I was 8 we went to Benidorm for a family holiday. As we arrived at the apartment I ran into the room and headed straight for the glass patio doors. In my excitement I swung it open while shouting “Wow, we can see the pool!!!” Suddenly there was a loud smash. In my eagerness I didn’t know my own strength and literally had smashed the patio door. All that was left was a swinging empty door frame and a big heap of shattered glass! Pretty sure everyone heard my Dad shout from a 40 mile radius that day. ‘Arrrrrrlllllleeeeeeennnnnneeeeeee” And that was only the first day.

2. On the same holiday we had all been out round the pool being typically Scottish looking like freckled lobsters. The adults all sat swigging beer and I had made some friends with a German girl and a French girl. Their Dad’s were showing off and doing back-flips and dives with fancy somersaults. Not wanting to be out-done I told the girls my Dad could do the best belly-flops in the world. Of course they asked me to prove it. When I saw my Dad heading to the pool I ran over and asked if he could do a belly-flop…which was proceeded with a “please, please, please do a belly flop” He sighed and agreed and as he waited on the pool clearing for his big display there was a huge splash and his bright orange swimming trunks vanished into the pool. The girls and I started applauding and laughing…they were well impressed. That was until they seen my Dad’s orange swimming shorts floating on the surface of the pool. He was mad at me for the rest of the day!!

3. Again. This was from the same holiday, but it’s safe to say it’s something that will stick in my mind as being one of the funniest moments from my childhood. On the flight home the air hostess brought us all round our trays of food. I had eaten a bit of mine but I was feeling really tired. I picked up the strawberry mousse dessert thing and began mucking around with it out of boredom. Shaking it, throwing it up and catching it etc till I started to feel my eyes getting heavy. The next thing I remember is waking up and seeing my Mum’s face with strawberry mousse dripping of her nose and glasses. Apparently all the vigorous movements with the mousse mixed with air pressure had caused the dessert to explode. Everyone on the plane found it hilarious…err…my Mum not so much. Lucky for me she sees the funny side to it now. 

4. One night when I was about 11 years old I came in from my friend’s house and my Dad was sitting engrossed in some documentary while my Mum was busy making soup in the kitchen. Things were too quiet for me so I turned to my Dad and asked what he was watching. He replied “It’s a documentary all about people suffering from Schizophrenia” not wanting to appear stupid or clueless (which I was) I said “Is that the disease where people have constant diarrhea?” Ok, in my defense I had never heard that word before and the closest thing I’d heard to it was people saying they had the “skitz” which meant diarrhea. My answer seemed perfectly logical (to me). My Dad couldn’t speak for 10 minutes…his face was red and he was literally wheezing and coughing from laughing so hard.

5. One of my proudest “numpty of the century” moments happened when I was in my teens. We were sitting in the back of a friend’s car one night when one of the guys turned round and said he had to go. We all asked why he had to go and he said “Cause I need to go see a man about a dog” to which I responded “Awwwww you’re getting a puppy!!! Please let me come with you to pick it…I love puppies.” It was only a year later I discovered that saying meant “Mind your own business”…at least I now know why they all started laughing that night! Ha!

6. If I had seen my friend do this I think I would have wet my pants laughing, as it turns out my friends almost did when it happened to me. Imagine a really wet windy day. The rain is coming down in sheets and the wind is threatening to turn your umbrella inside out. I did what anyone would do; I put my umbrella facing into the wind and rain and surged forwards battling the elements. Unfortunately it didn’t go quite to plan as holding the umbrella down so low can be ever so slightly restrictive from seeing obstacles up ahead. I found myself slumped over a car bonnet as my umbrella flew right over the roof of the car. Luckily the car was stationery at the time. The person sitting at the wheel looked a bit un-nerved though.

7. I pulled some crazy stunts as a teenager. Out of all my friends I was always the one likely to get caught though. Every time I thought I’d come up with a full proof plan I got found out. One of the times that stick in my mind most was something my family simply refer to as the “Vodka Incident” It’s all fun and games when your parents are out for dinner and you decide to have your friends round for a few alcoholic beverages out the drink’s cabinet. Before we knew it a full bottle of Smirnoff had almost disappeared and my parent’s were on their way home. My automatic reaction was “I need to buy some time to replace it” so ran to the kitchen tap and filled it with water up to the level it had been at and shoved it back in the cupboard. While coming up with this cunning plan I hadn’t figured that my parents might bring some friends back for a drink after the meal. My worst nightmare came true as I heard my Dad say “Can I get you a wee vodka ladies?” Arrrgghhhhhhh Needless to say I sat and let him pour the drinks and hand one to each of them. My Mum was first to speak up and say “Billy, did you actually put vodka in this…it tastes like watery lemonade?” At that point I knew it was ‘GAME OVER’ …I confessed all there and then in front of their guests too. My Mum was mortified. My Dad had to walk into the kitchen cause he was laughing (although if it had been his precious malt whiskey I’m sure he would not have seen the funny side)

8. My friend always brings this up as being one of her funniest memories from school. Myself and all the other girls in my year had changed into our PE kits and we were all lined up on the bench in the gym hall waiting on our PE teacher arriving. It was not him who showed up though as he could not take the class so had called in a replacement. The supply teacher came in and announced that our PE teacher could not take the class today and because he had no idea what to do with us girls he had requested that we swap lessons with the boys. The boys were now to get PE to play football and we were to get changed and head to their music class instead. We were not happy about this decision and started complaining to each other in unison about him being a sexist pig and how we were just as good as the boys when it came to football. I decided we had to make a stand and said “Right girls, the boys can’t play football if we are all lying on the floor refusing to move. This is our PE class and we shouldn’t allow this to happen. They can’t suspend us all so lets do this…let’s protest!! All the girls became empowered with this idea and we all nodded to each other as if to seal a secret pact. When the teacher came back we hadn’t moved to head back to the changing rooms. The boys were all lined up at the gym hall doors waiting to get in. “Girls, didn’t I say you had to go get changed and head to music class? Why are you still here?” Like an idiot I stood up and said “Because we are NOT going to music class…you can’t make us! We either get football or we shall lie here for the next hour on this floor” Without thinking I lay down on the floor and waited for the other girl’s to join me. I waited…and I waited…and then I realized that suddenly I was the only girl in the gym hall. I looked up and all the boys were standing round me and laughing. “Think you’d better move Arlene cause you may get trod on down there” When I walked into the changing rooms the girls were all in stitches laughing. They all thanked me for making their day. My anger quickly turned to laughter too as I realized how stupid I must have looked. My PE teacher slagged me about my failed ‘strike’ attempt for weeks too. That was the last time I tried to insight a riot!

9. The day the school nurse came to school to give us a medical turned out to be one of the most embarrassing days of my life! She had collected urine samples from everyone else and I couldn’t pee. No matter how hard I tried it wasn’t happening. When I finally managed to do it I’d taken the tube away. Just as I got the lid of it again and placed it under me it only caught 2 drips!! I panicked and decided to make it look fuller by adding some water to it. It seemed to look okay, a bit pale but I was sure I’d get away with it. Sadly…I didn’t! The nurse walked into class in front of everyone and said “Arlene, why have you handed in a sample of tap water? Please go and try again” Everyone was laughing into their jumpers as I had to awkwardly make my way up to the door taking a fresh sample bottle from the nurse as I went. I spent the next 20 minutes in the toilet. Was pressure enough having the nurse waiting outside the toilet but the entire class now knew I couldn’t pee either. Suddenly the nurse said “Arlene, I can’t wait any longer. I have to go, we’ll get it another day” Literally just as she left the magic happened. It was like a chorus singing ‘hallelujah’ in my head! I DID IT!!! Whatever happened I was going to get that sample to the nurse before she left so I ran down the school hall way and out towards the car park. Just as I reached outside I saw her car turning out of the school gates. I sprinted after her shouting “Wait! I did it! I have my urine here..” Before I knew it I was running down the hill at the school behind her waving a bottle of piss above me head. Luckily she stopped and opened her window and I sighed with relief at finally getting my sample to her. It wasn’t till she drove off I realized that everyone was staring at me. What was their problem? Hadn’t they seen anyone running with a urine sample above their head before?

10. My Mum always loved to cook a big Sunday dinner, there was always a roast of some kind she had spent all day on. It was always a masterpiece, whether it was pork, beef or chicken. This Sunday was no different. She had made a huge big roast of pork and had left it covered under the large metal tin lid to stop flies etc going on it. Her and my Dad had popped out to my sister’s and it was just my dog and I at home. I couldn’t resist the smell of the roast pork and decided to sneak a little taste so I cut a bit for me and a bit for the dog who was staring at me with big pleading eyes. I wandered back through to the sofa and threw myself down with the remote to wait on them returning. I must have dozed off because I woke up to my Mum shrieking from the kitchen. Apparently I had forgotten to put the big heavy metal lid back on properly and the dog had liked the taste she had of the pork. She found it so tasty in fact that she had managed to find a way to get up on the work top (she was a little tiny Jack Russell) and devour every single last piece of pork. They knew she couldn’t lift the heavy metal lid off though so at this point I knew it was time for me to run!!

I would love to say that I have changed over the years and my uncanny knack of getting into awkward funny situations has lessened…but I haven’t! At least i give family and friends things to laugh about. My family has spent hours talking about all my foolish moments. Sure, some of them are embarrassing but I can honestly say I laugh about them all. (now) 

A face from your past that brings on a smile or makes you stop to ponder for a while

You try not to think of that person too much, remember their laugh or long for their touch

Sometimes you know things aren’t meant to last, but with you my feelings did not fade fast

We were so young, running wild and carefree, our passion on show for all to see.

You said you could not sleep if we weren’t together, you told me you’d stay awake forever.

I still recall that final night, you broke my heart and caused a fight

You were not the same and it made me sad, I could no longer love someone who could be so bad

You were on a path I could not walk down, all your actions just made me frown

You won me over so many times cause I fell for your charm and believable lines

I packed my bag and left one day, if you found out you’d have begged me to stay

I stepped on the bus and looked back with a sigh, I felt so bad for not saying goodbye.

You were always in my thoughts, my dreams and my heart. When I found out the trouble you got into it tore me apart.

I was so glad I’d had the courage to leave that day, you would’ve dragged me down the exact same way

Times with you were good and bad, you were always a lovable “Jack the Lad”

I know that you still think of me, but what good is it now when you’re not free

Someday, fate may twist again, stay happy my ol’ friend till then

It is a book called Behind The Lies depicting the lives of a wealthy family called the Fordhams. Both parents are ambitious successful lawyers and they live in a large home with their 2 children Adam aged 19 and Lucy 15.

Their world comes crashing down around them when Lucy goes missing from school 2 days before her 16th birthday. It appears to be a standard kidnapping case until detectives make a shocking discovery.

Soon the Fordhams are being questioned which exposes deception and lies. Secrets buried and forgotten come back to haunt them…

(extract – Behind The Lies – by Arlene Dawn Porter)

The detectives finally left but said they would return in a couple of hours to ask more questions. As Andy sat at the kitchen table watching his wife pacing up and down, a look of fear and worry on her ageing but beautiful face…his mind drifted back to 20 years earlier. She had that exact same fragile and helpless expression lying in that hospital bed the day after the attack. He fought back tears as he tried not to allow his guilt to overcome him. If Mia knew of his part in that terrifying night she would hate him forever and he could not bear to have his wife look upon him with anything other than love. It was never meant to go that far. He was only supposed to frighten her and knock her confidence…that was all he had intended to do. Even now after all these years, Andy still lived in fear of his wife finding out the truth. His only peace of mind was the knowledge that the only other person who would expose his involvement was dead…he had made sure of that! It was money well spent and he’d spend twice as much to kill him again for what he had done to Mia…

Andy put his head into his hands as his emotions began to take hold of him. Their precious daughter Lucy was missing. Deep down he knew this was his penance for what he had done to his wife all those years ago. If anything happened to Lucy he could not cope with life any longer…she “was” his life. His son Adam could not stand the sight of him; they had never had a good relationship. Perhaps his guilt had somehow caused an unconscious divide between them and severed any hopes they may have had of a normal father and son bond being formed. Lucy on the other hand was his second chance at being a good father…she meant the world to him.

From the moment Lucy was born and opened her eyes for the first time she had given him hope. Hope that his terrible atrocities against his wife had been forgiven. As much as he had done wrong by her he had tried to make up for the past by being a loving and supportive husband and father. Now Lucy was missing it was all he could do to stop himself from breaking down.

He looked up at his wife and tried to speak but emotion had taken over and all he could do was swallow back the floods of tears that were now over-powering him.

Mia walked over to her husband and wrapped her arms around him. As his head fell onto her chest he wept. She leaned her head on top of his and whispered “Please god let her be okay…”. She knew how important Lucy was to him. And as she held her sobbing husband she began to regret not telling him the truth sooner. Was this her punishment for deceiving him all this time? The one child she gave him that was untainted by lies and deceit was now missing.

Lucy was a like a little ray of sunshine in their lives the day she was born. And for the best part her birth had helped ease Mia’s guilt and anguish over her deception. If Andy knew the truth it would destroy him….god knows the truth had almost destroyed her!

Those first moments when she felt Adam growing inside her she had an over-whelming urge to protect him and love him. This had made her decision to deceive her husband and everyone else an easy one. She shuddered as she recalled that horrific night…a night which almost killed her physically and mentally. A night that would haunt her for the rest of her life…the night her son Adam was conceived.